Yet another January has found us. The first term of my second year at BU has all but ended. What’s changed ? I now find myself in unfamiliar territory. I’m now in a position where I’ve realised my cynicism towards people and life is a finely balanced one with my love for life’s mysteries.
Depression, my old friend, never far away has visited me once again, it always will. Like a spectre that follows you to the grave, it’ll sometimes be less prevalent. Strange dreams dominate the little sleep I get anymore, January is a brutal reminder to me of the pain and failures I’ve been through.
Towards the end of November 2018 I was with a someone who seemed to be really into me, much to my continued bewilderment. I’ve never believed anyone within their right mind ever would want to be with me.
These thoughts are not born into me. These thoughts are developed from years of belittlement from various people in my life. The reference to my Asperger’s and that I am not normal. This means that I don’t only have to battle other people but also myself, but I won’t bore you the reader with such stories.
I got a text from her, I replied asking if she was ok. To which she replied “not really”, I could only but guess she had decided she didn’t really want to be with me as it had happened before in this and previous relationships.
My guess was right. She apologised and said how bad she felt. I didn’t. I had known for a while she hadn’t been feeling whatever “it” is. Why blame her. What did I have to offer? I’ve been described as a “lovely, articulate, caring and understanding” guy in the past. And yet, Megan’s treatment of me would suggest otherwise. Am I mistaken in my own critique of my self that I am “nothing special”? Megan’s treatment of me ended up in me questioning every fibre of who I was as a person and as a man. She told me once “she couldn’t deal” with my Aspergers. As if she was the one burdened with it. She made herself the victim quite brilliantly. By the end, I was broken.
2 years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I’d been dumped again. For Reasons different apparently. She didn’t have the same feelings anymore. I understand now. People and relationships change with time.
At uni I was all but alone, everyone had their groups, I had one person I hung out with; they themselves suffering from depression and thus understandably sporadic in their appearances at Uni.
Things quickly changed however. Just being invited to sit with a group of people I had assumed despised me was something of a small victory to me. I for a time began to feel more involved and cared for.
Christmas loomed, I felt largely indifferent. The only way to protect myself from feeling. Because I had begun to realise that “feeing” was my greatest crime. My failure to articulate emotion, to speak confidently or to reed social cues. Maybe others with Aspergers can be successful, the much sung celebrities painted by those who don’t have the first clue what it’s like to be examples of how an Aspergers person can be successful.
I went to a Christmas party hosted by a former course mate. I met people, I spoke with confidence. Sometimes I’m able to act well enough to appear normal. I’m 27 now, my pool of friends is at its smallest ever. Acting only gets you so far. The party marked the first time in a long time I’d gotten drunk. A fellow course mate also attended and we went out the back for a cigarette. As the cigarette breaks became more frequent, the level of drunk is felt increased. One of the last times I remember in particular we traded stories of mental health. We got deep and discussed dark things we’d been through. I took a look at her while she spoke and felt nothing but a deep level of respect and affection. The beauty of someone who doesn’t know how beautiful they are. The beauty of being able to reach profound levels of trust in a conversation. I was so drunk.
Days wore on, I was alone, just turning 27 with the prospect of about 4 assignments and an exam to prepare for over the Christmas break. Whilst also coming to terms with the end of my albeit brief relationship. December often is talked about as time of reflection. I reflect all too well and all too much about my own personal life and feelings. The indifference that seemingly surrounds everyone I come across has rubbed off on me. I struggle to find myself caring about what I’d lost or what I had to do still. The work I had to do was all that mattered because from a pragmatic point of view I couldn’t afford to fail.
There was no time for emotional responses. There is not time for sentimentality. My relationship had ended. Who cares? I doubt you reading this do or would. Everyone has their own life. Their own struggles, one girl talks about someone she’s seeing. One guy wants to change jobs. One other girl got a new car. It’s all just swing and round abouts. Sympathy is just temporary. I don’t expect people to care, I just expect people to get on with it.
I realise now that my Aspergers is mine to deal with alone. Parents can only do so much. Anyone can only do so much to help. My own personal failings are on me. That’s why my ex girlfriend probably left me. She’s engaged now and has a baby. I have nothing except student debt and crippling self doubt. The person from my most recent relationship showed glimpses of being happy with me amongst a growing and general indifference, I had a hint when I found out she’d booked her holiday on my birthday with her friends. I wasn’t even surprised. I was in our relationship. She was never really there.
I just don’t know what to do, or what to say anymore. You probably don’t care. I don’t care.
I just don’t know.
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