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You Were Never Really There

Yet another January has found us. The first term of my second year at BU has all but ended. What’s changed ? I now find myself in unfamiliar territory. I’m now in a position where I’ve realised my cynicism towards people and life is a finely balanced one with my love for life’s mysteries.   Depression, my old friend, never far away has visited me once again, it always will. Like a spectre that follows you to the grave, it’ll sometimes be less prevalent. Strange dreams dominate the little sleep I get anymore, January is a brutal reminder to me of the pain and failures I’ve been through.  Towards the end of November 2018 I was with a someone who seemed to be really into me, much to my continued bewilderment. I’ve never believed anyone within their right mind ever would want to be with me.  These thoughts are not born into me. These thoughts are developed from years of belittlement from various people in my life. The reference to my Asperger’s and that I am not normal. This means th
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Recent posts

The Patterns Of Fairytales

Saturday 1st June  I woke up early. 7.32am....well early for me. I packed my last things up and made my way via a lift from my mother to Bournemouth station. It was time to head to London for the first time since September last year for the same reason as September last year....to see The National. After a year of university that has flattered to deceive it felt necessary to enjoy something at the end of it. Ironically on the same day as the SUBU summer ball where many of my course mates had gone with Their friends to send off the first year of university. It in a different manor I had chosen to do the same by heading to Victoria Park, Hackney, to do the same. I arrived at London Waterloo at around 10.50 and headed for Canary Wharf, there I met my contact for the next 22 hours C. Downs. We travelled via DLR and tube to Hoxton for lunch. Mestmission was the place and we both ordered “Towerblock” Burgers. They were nice. Soon we found ourselves in a Wetherspoons (As if by pure destiny) t
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Conversation 16

Articulating exactly how it is you feel is something that really is one of the most difficult and challenging aspects of life.  You don’t like to worry those you love or people connected with you. The crippling self doubt doesn’t allow you to feel worth remembering or being upset about. The looks you get from peers or colleagues, the looks that make you feel so small, so different, so unwanted in the same universe. Then comes the battle between my thoughts and my logical brain, am I just paranoid? Am I really that self centred, that I think everyone is looking at me in a contemptuous manner ? Am I really that self obsessed and yet so self doubting?  In the past few weeks upon returning from Barcelona I’ve never felt so alien and alone. I’ve spiralled into a depression that I haven’t felt for 16 months. I don’t like to talk openly about these things unless necessary, I don’t like to talk to people about it, I don’t like to try and feel as if my problems are any more different than th
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Life Stuff; Exams and A brief return to Music Journalism

As the Christmas holidays drew to a close, the prospect of a return to university was dawning on me. What next ? What now ? Why does Christmas always go so fast ?  With an assignment still to do and an exam coming up it was clear that the festive period was now over. My fellow students on my course were readying themselves leaving home once again while I, already at home, was readying myself to work. The cold dark January days has begun, the post Christmas blues and memories that once seemed recent were now even more faded. A memory would Flicker, an image of yourself and someone who you once loved on an old bridge in a beautiful old Italian city, at the height of summer, “it doesn’t look real does it?” I recall her saying to me with a gaze of her big gorgeous blue eyes, a wave of her chestnut hair blowing gently in the Tuscan wind, myself barely able to believe that I was really in this moment, with this person, at this time. A flicker. It would pass, fade back to A cold January eveni
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My First Semester at Bournemouth University

My journey to Bournemouth University is probably not the most usual of voyages. Following 2 years at Southampton Solent University studying popular music journalism, I wound up at my home university. At the ripe old age of 26. Following some of the most turbulent times of my life in recent years, a decision was reached by myself that if I was too continue studying it should be from home. Following 2 years at Solent I believed I had the experience I needed to study in a more stable environment. As someone with Asperger’s and anxiety it is and was never going to be easy fitting in and perhaps developing friendships with peers. This coupled with the age difference filled me with much apprehension regarding starting a new course and a new journey. I was a fresher again, surrounded by new faces, new ideas, new possibilities and another chance to be the man and the student I wanted to be. I was shy and when not shy putting on an Oscar worthy performance of acting confident. The academ
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